What exactly is my problem?

I have some huge problems with commitment.

Like a stone stuck in shoes, it is in my psyche.

Second is the decision-making problem. 

Like analysis paralysis.

You must let go of something to get something else, bro.

That is the way.

Or else your mind will wander off. You will be lost.

These days the majority of my time is spent playing chess. 

Why am I playing chess? It is a distraction.

I have played it so much now I have an Elo of around 1700 to 1800.

From an amateur standpoint, that is a fairly good elo.

What is my art score? Exactly the same. Around 800

That means my chess skills are equivalent to my art.

But keep in mind I have been doing art for ages. No improvement.

But the distracted chess escape has got to the same level.

Now I am thinking I should start filmmaking as my main.

Then keep art as some distraction.

Then the score will climb.

Now stop.

Step back from all of these things. And look and examine what this person is doing.

He is clearly out of his mind.

He clearly doesn't want to tag his ego identity to one thing.

Why is that?

Because his ego is not solid. It is not properly formed.

Or it was formed before but broken in half-way through his life.

Very sad reality.

Am I really quitting in art? Need some clarity for what is going on.

In painting and drawing. Yes, I think so.

Mainly because art is subjective.

I don't think I have that type of sensitivity.

100 kg is 100 kg. 1 gallon is one gallon.

Let me have some clarity.

Granny starts doing art in her 80s. perspective is off, drawing people as stick figures. But it sells.

Do I have some problem with the granny?

No, I have a problem with everything in which there are no fixed parameters.

I have lost that fire in drawing. Is that true? What are the reasons behind it?

 1. I don't get any ego satisfaction from doing this. Mainly because of the reason I don't belong to any community. Especially the art community. If such a thing exists. Basically, these are a bunch of beta brains talking gossip to each other. I don't have any motivation to participate in such an endeavor. I have been kicked out of many communities previously. 

2. Art is hugely linked with trauma. Once you are healed, you don't have any motivation to draw, actually. So keep your trauma and become a great artist. In my case, my well-being is very important to me. I dont give a shit about the world now or how it is perceived. 

3. A lack of meaning. Especially with the emergence of AI. That is one of the huge factor. To be honest, that is the thing actually. Even if you are drawing really well, AI can replicate or replace you.

4. I lost that artistic flair. I don't think like an artist now. More like an engineer or a scientist now. 

5. In reality I have lost motivation in almost everything actually. I am watching NDE (near-death experience) videos all the time now. I mean, wtf is the point of living in this absolute shit? Must be something better.

M Night is back with his film Remain!

I remember watching that movie "The Sixth Sense" on a cassette tape. I have watched all the English films on tapes back in the day, even before the DVD was born. Boy oh boy! Such a fantastic film.

The film was different. Totally.

Then I watched the 'signs' in the theater. There were only me and some bunch of clowns just like me. Total movie nerds. Still remember that opening sequence. pepe pep pepe pep pepe pep...

I wanted to make a movie like that. This is what I like. I don't like sixth sense now. This is the thing. This is the absolute fucking thing. Lock in.

Why James Cameroon is good?

 1. He creates small story arcs even within a main sequence that lasts for 3 minutes. So that the viewer is not distracted. Not like a modern superhero movie: an explosion there, an explosion here, and nobody knows what is going on

2. The editing is impeccable. No, Spielberg is no that good in that. He is good at blocking. But in editing, nobody beats Cameroon. He understands the movie in a deep and cohesive way.

3. Deep archetypal layerings: it is often an interplay of archetypal motifs and archetypal events. That is why it is felt as profound. Substance is more than the style.

4. He is visually literate. He knows to paint. That implies he knows how to dictate the attention on a 2d frame even if it is still. That is a huge advantage.

5. He is a kinetic director. Lucas and Spielberg are all comes in this category.

6. A good engineer. That is a plus.

7. The feel of the story is consistent throughout the film. 

Interview: Andrew Hyatt (director of Full of Grace, Paul Apostle of Christ, and The Blind)

 

Satan attacked me yesterday.

 Yes. He did. Shaking my bed a bit.

I wasn't afraid though. Infact I am a bit relieved I am on the right path. You should only be afraid when the devil is silent.

You will only get opposition when you move towards the target.

He also tried to scare me by putting some gruesome images on my head. Out of the blue. With the help of my Lord and God Jesus Christ I was cool as a cucumber.

His plan is to block me from attending the mass tomorrow. 

Let me remind him that Lord Reigns over the flood as King forever.